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In these Radiowaves-exclusive articles, legendary presenter Pat Courtenay shares his views, ideas, experience, and tips with our visitors…

In this week’s column he lists some things he never wants to hear in the radio again


TEN THINGS I NEVER WANT TO HEAR ON THE RADIO AGAIN

1 – “I can’t describe (what I’m seeing.)”

Then don’t let them send you out with a microphone or that camera crew! You’re there to “describe” a scene to me. Don’t waste my time if you can’t do the job.

2 – “Are you ready?”

So, there’s the quiz contestant. They’ve actually taken the time to listen to what you said on the Radio, they’ve bothered to ring the number, they’ve been the right number caller, they’ve just spent about five minutes on hold, they might even have been told they’re going to be recorded and in the case of Television, they probably applied and auditioned months ago….and the Presenter asks, “Are you ready?” Duh!

3 – “Of course.”

“….Buster Hymen and the Penetrations and of course that’s on the CD ‘BHP 2’.”
Well, if it’s of course, this is, presumably, something we all bloody know so why’d you bother saying anything? You’ve just admitted to wasting my time.

4 – “11 a.m. in the morning.”

Isn’t it good to know that a.m. still happens in the morning? No one moved it. Yay!

5 – “20% off on selected items.”

“Off on?” Call me minimalist, but I reckon “20% off selected items,” probably tells me what I need to know. “20% off on Tuesdays,” maybe.

6 – “This programme proudly brought to you by….”

Actually, this programme is or was brought to you by….Can anyone explain to me the logic behind the retirement of verbs? Who talks like that? (Who said, “Marty Whelan”? – Ed)

7 – “Well, I should be bringing you the weather right now but the computer’s broken down and I have to go and get it from another room, so sorry about that and in the meantime….” and blyeh, blyeh, blyeh.

In the first place, only you are hung up on when we hear about the weather and unless there’s a tornado on the way, we’ll probably just take a song, if that’s OK.
Secondly, you just told me you stuffed up.
Thirdly, you just told me your gear’s crap.
Fourthly, unless Beyonce Knowles and Brad Pitt are getting their kit off in there, we’re probably not hugely interested in the secret world of your studio.

8 – “Guys.”

Is this generic plural in widespread use in Ireland yet? Plurals have no place in the one-to-one medium of Radio anyway, much less one that de-sexes everybody who’s demonstrably not a “guy!”

9 – Speaking of plurals; “The England team are shocked by their defeat at Lansdowne Road.”

CORRECTION: “The England (English? – Ed) team IS shocked by ITS….” etc)

10 – “Across the weekend.”

I’m sorry, I don’t know anyone who asks me, “So. What’d ya get up to across the weekend?” Why, then, does it get written into promo tracks?

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